Sometimes....

How to deal when you are broken? Man that's an annoying question... How do you know how to do something you've never done before? Well that may be a hard question, but an even harder one is, "How do I deal with this all over again?" I know my trials bring growth. I know they end up being goof for me in the long run, if I endure them well. But that doesn't change the fact that this situation sucks! That I've already experienced the hurt of this, and that I have many many pieces to pick up. I will do it, of course. I will not turn my back on the hard work I've done on myself so far to realize who I am and what I'm worth. It just feels good to express that things suck sometimes, ya know? Admitting where I am at right now actually helps me to gain more strength and determination for where I want to be. So thanks for letting this be. I will survive and thrive and I will also allow myself to sometimes just say, This Sucks!!

I miss him terribly tonight. It's like clock work. As the sun goes down and our home with it my heart sinks and I sit and wonder, "What is he doing right now?" For anyone who has to be away from their spouse for any amount of time, I'm sure you can relate. I look at my life and I have been so abundantly blessed...completely wonderful, perfectly healthy children, a home, though small and simple it stands as a powerful foundation for us and our journey. And a husband who, as much as I know about love, loves me. We have been through hell he and I. We've lived to tell the tale though sometimes it's a hard one for people to hear. Don't get me wrong I do love to share it when appropriate, but it is a tale of lies and deceit, or terrible betrayal and heartache. But we stand strong now, today. Forgiveness is the most powerful gift I am grateful to know about, and nights like tonight I am even more grateful to have fought the fight, to have the man of my dreams and know that he will come home to me. I will see him soon. He is not gone forever, just living his dream, providing for his family, taking care of us. I'm grateful for him and all he is and sometimes that itself makes the pain and loneliness I feel with his absence even more intense. But I welcome it. Because to feel any emotion is better than being numb. I state I have known in my life all too well. That's really all I have to say tonight. I don't worry too much about it being politically correct or anything like that because no one reads this anyway. But I am grateful to have a place to express my emotions, however jumbled. Goodnight.

I feel inspire to share with you today some insights I've had in the last few days…People are seeking perfection in such an imperfect world. They know they can;t achieve it but it doesn't stop them from beating themselves up at the end of the day when there's still dirty dishes in the sink, kid unbathed or maybe that business call you "should've" made. I've decided, let's just let it go. Doing something as simple as removing I should've, I could've and I wish out of your vocabulary and just replacing it with the phrase, "Next time I'll…" send a whole different energy towards what you "should" be doing. This is a silly example but it was powerful for me. For two days I needed to shave my legs when going to the shower. The first day I said, "Shoot I should've brought my razor into the shower with me." The next day, I forgot it aging. That day I said to myself, "Next time I will bring my razor into the shower with me." The next day, before I hopped into the shower I remembered to grab my razor. Now you might say, "Well ya you did, you forgot it two days in a row…" Though that is true anyone who knows me knows two days of forgetting something doesn't mean I'll remember it on the third. The reason I remembered is because there was not a negative thought about myself attached to me forgetting my razor, "again"! Because I said, "Next time," instead of "I should've", I didn't feel like I was messing up again in my life on something so simple but yet just stacks on top of other things and boom, you feel like a failure. No instead it was just another everyday activity and remembering my razor had nothing to do with how good of a wife I was, or mother, or person. How many of you can relate to this? Something seeming so trivial leading to you doubting your abilities to do anything right? Well you can call me crazy all you want, but next time you feel like using the phrases, "I should've, I could've or I wish," try instead to use, "Next time" and just see how your day goes.It's such a simple ingredient to a successful, more positive day. That's all for now. Love you guys!!

A message from my Mother

I found this journal entry my mother had wrote the day before she had me. I am so grateful for things like this. I don't remember much of my childhood and so it is so neat to read entries from that time. Plus my mom has struggles with sever depression and anxiety for a few years now and has finally come out of it. It has been a hard, wonderful miracle to watch her journey. She is a light in my life and a great hero of mine. I hope you enjoy her writings as I did.

July 23, 1984    

  I had a busy morning washing and sterilizing sheets & towels & washcloths and all the baby things.  It carried on into afternoon.

Kevin & Leejean, Stephanie, and David went late in the morning and helped get the 70's Quorum float ready for the 24th of July parade tomorrow morning.  Mark is with Grandpa and Grandma Dalton at Bliss.  I talked to Dad tonight and I understood that Barry brought Scotty back with him from Boise when he went up there to date a girl.  So the two boys have been having a gay old time at Grandpa's and Grandma's farm.

Derrick stayed home with me and after he got over his grumpies for having to do so he layed down in the middle of our waterbed and went to sleep.

At about one o'clock Lila came over with her two little girls.  Lila is the wife of one of the men that works for Bob Whitby on his dairy.  They are renting the trailer house just in front and to the side of us.  It is Andreason's trailer and they moved in about a week and a half ago.  She is just twenty, a white girl.  Her husband is from El Salvador.  They have the two little girls and a premature baby boy.  The baby lost weight and had some other problems.  They took him to the hospital in Twin Falls and left him there. 

She came over earlier today to use the phone and find out how he was doing.  She told me before that she was trying to stop smoking but still had to sneak a few so today after she went home she told Stephanie as she was leaving to ask me to come to her house.  I did and she asked me to go to town and buy her some cigarettes.  I didn't tell her no right away.  I suggested that we go into her bedroom and pray.  This we did and I asked Heavenly Father to give her the strength and courage to stop smoking.  After the prayer I told her I would take her to town to buy the cigarettes.  On our way I passed Kevin and the kids coming home.

When I got back I was going to fix a late lunch but Mary Ann had fixed a sandwich for the decoraters of the float so I went to take a nap.  When I got up as I was fixing myself something to eat I started loosing water.  I decided my contractions I was having instead of sleeping must truly be labor.  More water kept coming so I tried to call my midwife helper, Janet Bingham.  I got in touch with her and she said she would get her things together and come.  It was 6 o'clock,  The contractions weren't coming very often so I decided to start walking.  Kevin saddled Gray Boy and led him around. The kids were real excited and anxious for something else to happen.  It didn't but Kevin and I walked together on the road in front of our house.

 The sky was so beautiful with a summer sunset happening.  The colors were soft pink and baby blue and I just knew this was a sign in the heavens for me that others knew our special little baby was about to be born. This was Heavenly Father's way of showing me peace and majesty and tomorrow we would celebrate the pioneers and a birthday.

Walking down below I feel anxious. I wonder what will happen.  When I look up at the sky I feel a message coming down to me, a message of beautiful peace and hopeful expectations.  I don't know if my baby will be a girl or a boy.  That is why God put both colors in the sky.  My midwife should be here soon.

Good Things to Come

This wonderful video hits home to me in so many ways, as I'm sure it does to all of us. Someone once told me, "Treat everyone like they are going through the hardest trial of their life and chances are, you're probably right." We are all in the midst of trial. That is really why I believe we are here on this earth; to learn and to grow. How do we grow without experiencing things? There is an opposite to everything. A positive and and a negative. If there's good in the world there is bad also. The beautiful part about this is the bad makes the good that much better, sweeter, greater in every way. There is so much good to come. We never know when we are on the very edge of our trial and something good is about to happen. This video gives me hope to KEEP GOING. There's Good things to come!

Being married to a comedian Part 1

People ask me all the time how I do it, being married to a comedian. I figured it was time to answer some of those questions… We have had rocky roads in this journey. As some of you may or may not know the trails of the journey almost cost us our marriage. But we decided we didn't want to be a statistic and we had something worth saving. So now here we are with a picture perfect life…Haha ya right! We have to work everyday at it. For a long time I didn't know how to answer this question of "How do you do it?" I just did it. And then I realized the things that I have learned to do are so valuable and people can use them in any walk of life. It's not that I have a magic answer but I do have answers, starting with this one.  I have several tools that I use to cope with my husband being gone and myself being lonely, doing both parent's roles, and progressing in life physically, emotional, spiritually etc. I have valuable things I do everyday. But that doesn't mean there aren't hard days. Today, is one of those days. My wonderful mentor told me that we have to keep doing the little things everyday that keep us on the right road, getting closer to our destination, but that when we get discouraged that things aren't happening as fast as we'd like we have to consider the residual baggage we have built up over time. If I've spent most of my life being negative and then switched it just a few years ago to expect I won't have bad creep up is silly. I have years of negative thoughts stored in my head. So does that mean that you give up? Absolutely not. The bad does eventually flush out as I keep getting negative thoughts out of my head and replacing them with positive. The residual starts to change. I love this analogy. And that is one of the first tools I use in dealing with hard, less than ideal times. I release the negative. I actually do this by writing my negative thoughts in a black journal, separate from my color journal where positive entries go. You see I'm not immune to hard times and it's not always easy for my husband to be away, but I have used this tool and many others and it makes me love life even more. Because if I can get negative thoughts out of my head, then positive thoughts can actually enter and have a place and not get pushed out of the way because my head is overflowing with negative. You see 80% of the thoughts we think are negative. 80%!!! And they are just sitting it your brain. Get em out. Get em gone. it will make a difference.

Alright...Alright...

So I think we've all experienced people giving their opinions on what we should or shouldn't do in life. Well I'm no different but usually I wait until suggestions come 5 different times from different people. I keep getting asked how I am able to do what I do in being married to a comedian. Well on a nutshell, communication is the answer. That and great family and friends. But seriously. We can do what we do and live like we live because we communicate about EVERYTHING. So here you have it. I'm going to do some study and prayer on what angle to take this but I think I will go into more depths about my life as a comedian's wife. Any feedback on topics you'd like to hear about etc let me know. I'd be happy to answer questions for you. Life is what we choose to make it. Live to love, Love to Live!